7 Harmful Signs You Still Obessing About A Past Relationship

Obsessing over the ex? It’s got to be one of the worst forms of self-torture out there. There is a fine line between reflection and obsession.

  • Reflection feels like a peaceful epiphany, a calm knowing, a connecting of the dots.
  • Obsession feels like a tornado. It feels like a black hole of despair sucking you in and spinning you around and around and around with no end in sight.

4 Sneaky Ways You Are Obsessing About Your Ex

The good news is, once you realize you will become aware of the power of your free will to stop it for good.

How to know you’re in obsession mode?

Obsession sneaks up on you.

It starts with one thought… that first seemingly benign thought. The way you respond to that one that is everything. You either turn that ship around or you ride it out into oblivion.

This is why it’s crucial to become aware that you are obsessing about your ex and how to stop doing it.

Here are 7 signs you are obsessing…

  1. Do you spend entire days or large portions of your days paralyzed by racing thoughts about what your ex is up to or things that happened in the past?

2. Do you forget, neglect, or avoid your own life because the obsessive thoughts are so loud?

3. Are you glued to the couch, your bed, or the floor spinning about your ex? Paralyzed with fear, worry, anxiety, feeling like the only way out of the craziness is for things to be magically fixed.

4. Has it taken over your mind where you can’t focus on anything else? Time flies by. Before you know it you just lost your whole day to obsession. Even if you’ve been on the couch all day, you feel anything but relaxed.

5. Do hours fly by because you’ve been analyzing what went wrong and you could have fixed it or how you might be able to fix it? Manic seemingly genius ideas come to mind. It’s important to recognize that your perception is not clear in these moments and it’s best to hold off on taking any action until you have centered yourself.

6. Are you neglecting basic self-care or hygiene? Your thoughts become so stormy it’s difficult to follow through with easy daily tasks. So your place gets messy too. If you’re lucky you’re the type of person that frantically cleans and organizes to help alleviate the obsession, which is a great way to channel that energy if you can muster it.

7. Have you been experiencing mental, physical, and emotional stress or exhaustion? Being chronically anxious about your ex is a sure sign of obsession. The anxiety is stemming from your thoughts. To counter, it’s important to do the work and start generating new, healthy thoughts

Obsession is living in the past or projecting into the future.

When you are in obsession you aren’t living in the present. You are projecting into the future deciding that it’s going to be horrible before it even happens. Thoughts like, “I’m never going to find love again.” or, “I’m never going to find something as good as this.” That’s all fear and ego. When fear and ego are in the equation there is no room for God, love, or truth. They simply can’t coexist.

Letting go might mean that we failed somehow so we try to problem solve in our heads driving ourselves mad. We try to figure it out. But there’s no sense in doing so.

“What if” thoughts may look like this…

  • Maybe everything would have been okay if you just hadn’t said or done that one thing. If only you could turn back the clock.
  • If you had known this about you then they would have valued you as they should have
  • If you had just explained this one thing then things would have worked out
  • Replaying the good times and fixating on where things went wrong and why
  • Fixating on your faults or flaws and how they contributed to the break-up
  • Incessant “why couldn’t this have worked out?” or “what if?” questions running through your mind

If you project into the future you may obsess over:

  • The fear of being alone forever
  • Holding onto getting back with your ex
  • The fear of never loving someone as much again
  • The fear that someone else may never love you the same way again
  • Deciding that you will be miserable forever because ­of this
  • Deciding you will never get over this person
  • The idea that we only have one soul mate, this isn’t true.

Our exes are only a projection of what you wanted them to be or what they were for you for a period of time.

How to escape the obsession trap

You can get out of obsession by becoming aware of how you fall into it. We start obsessing because we think if we “figure it out” something, it will be better. We think we will reverse or prevent failure.

Instead of trying to fix it, we heal when we surrender to it. It’s a shedding of the layer of the ego that will take us through renewal into acceptance and experiencing life free of the chains of that particular obsession.

Obsession can block us from creating something wonderful in our life. Try this excercise…

  • Find a quiet place to sit and relax, preferably sitting straight up and relax into accepting everything exactly the way that it is.
  • In that space is the ability to present, enjoy life again, and the ability to be open to new experiences that we may be blinded or blocked from when in obsession.

The Universe or God of your understanding wants to give you everything you dreamed of, it’s up to us to vibrate to that frequency so we can catch all the great things the universe throws our way.

If we are in obsession our hands are too full to catch anything new. Most of this article has been about noticing the signs, dealing with, and trying to break free.

There is another approach…

My top technique to avoid obsession altogether

One of the most amazing techniques I have found to altogether avoid obsession if following Mark Manson’s concept of The Law of Fuck Yes and Fuck No.

This system is derived from a law successfully used in business, which also applies to relationships, sex, and friendships. The main message of the law and the article is if someone isn’t excited and completely communicating a, “Fuck yes” then ultimately it’s a “Fuck no”.

There are no grey zones.

The idea that we can manipulate someone out of a grey area can definitely lead us into obsession. So to make our life easier reserve your time and energy for those who say fuck yes to you and you say it right back. It has to go both ways. It’s a powerful act of self-love and self-respect as well as a way of being respectful to others.

If you find yourself in the throes of obsession and need support, I’m your coach.

Sign up for your free 30-minute session. My long history as an online dating photographer and dating coach can help you realize when you are harming yourself and wasting valuable time.


Jacqueline Neuwirth is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, CPCC and Board Certified through the Internation Coaching Federation, ICF.  She helps people stop the cycle of self-sabotaging patterns in their life, relationships and career.

Through her 25-year history as an award-winning designer for Fortune 500 companies, along with being a life-long entrepreneur, artist and visionary, Jacqueline has led hundreds of clients through the labyrinth of real-life struggles.

Using both practical, deliberate and concrete tools, she draws on many facets of human development that are often at the root of frustration, burnout, and stress to help clients get unstuck.

If you’re ready for this kind of support in your life, sign up for your free 30-minute session to find out how to get clear, get confident and get going on creating a future you love!